Midday Reflections

“Tell them about how you’re never really a whole person if you remain silent, because there’s always that one little piece inside you that wants to be spoken out, and if you keep ignoring it, it gets madder and madder and hotter and hotter, and if you don’t speak it out one day it will just up and punch you in the mouth from the inside.” — “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action” by Audre Lorde

The truth must be dealt with. Beware of distractions…

While venting about major stressors in my life currently, uncertainties, battling my own mental issues and relationship difficulties to a best friend of mine, they quickly caught me heading down an old familiar pattern of behavior. I was ready to dive into panic mode, not sure whether to react, pour my heart out, isolate myself, be passive and do nothing, fight and surge forward, start with spiteful behavior, etc. They warned not to get caught in distractions. Of course I asked for clarification because that’s something I never heard or really considered. They explained that in this regard, distractions are all of the things one does when being reactionary, that distract from the deeper issue(s) at hand. For example: in terms of a romantic relationship, it’s happened to me before that a mate might pick a fight with me over something petty and knowing my mate and being in tune with his energy, I’d almost immediately know that his problem really had nothing to do with what we were tussling about. There’s something else going on that needs to be addressed, whether it was with him personally or if it was in our relationship. In that particular case, he just missed me and had trouble communicating deep emotions and intimacy in that way. In the same token, I’ve already come to understand through therapy, my spiritual journey and talks with other close friends that nothing bubbles up by accident; it was always there, but you simply didn’t address it. There’s an energy there that’s begging to be dealt with, negotiated with, fed, or whatever may be needed. No matter how ugly or uncomfortable. In my strive toward more ancestral African centered thinking, I must always remember to focus on balance. The universe functions on balance. All aspects of the self and of divinity therefore, must be paid attention to and dealt with. They all must be fed, lest they snowball and bubble up later to “punch you in the mouth from the inside.” We must always strive to promote the creative energies above the destructive, but just as Oshun reminds us of the sweetness of life, Ogun is here to remind us that not everything should be soft. Sometimes that blade is needed.

I’m already familiar with conditioning myself to check myself in reference to repeating old behavioral patterns, but in my chaos of trying not to let things slip or in my tendency to be passive or procrastinate, I’ll easily distract myself without realizing it. Now, I realize it. So the takeaway is that I must remember to take the time to check in and self evaluate. Am I living and moving in spirit and purpose? Will this next move fulfill any of that? Will it create more needless problems later? What is the real cancer that this symptom is indicating? Is there something that needs to be said? Is there unfinished work or business here? Well, let me say that or do that instead of giving in to mindless chatter, “white noise”, petty or spiteful behaviors, incessant facebooking, or whatever may be less uncomfortable or more immediately accessible. A way must be found instead, to effectively communicate with that person, about that situation, with that energy, or with self. In the end, the work will still need to be done. That truth will still exist. It will only be much, much harder to complete as time passes.

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