Nighttime Thoughts: On Trusting Oneself

Embracing Self-Love

Been a long time.

While I have been contemplating writing pieces for months, of course, I must say that I experience something that I think many do.

I realized that I don’t trust myself. I do live with anxiety, depression, body focused repetitive behaviors and a host of things, most likely. In that soup of downward spiral, while taking lessons from a few of Deepak Chopra’s free meditation experiences it finally occured to me as I searched for the answer within; I don’t trust myself. Lack of confidence, lack of being able to be present, lack of focus, lack of completion, procrastination, constantly needing a partner of any sort even though I know I work best alone, constantly wanting others to lead even when they are less qualified, allowing others’ moods and energies to affect me, not being able to find solid purpose and direction, in a slump and can’t seem to get over the hump, writer’s block… a whole host of things. I’m sure you can add some to your own list, as well, where it applies.

When it comes to trust and centering self, I have also noticed a lot of proverbs, quotes and memes floating around social media encouraging one to “trust the process.” I submit to you that one crucial thing, or a few rather, have to be understood: for the most part, you create your reality. Environment and circumstances were created by others’ collective will one way or another before you arrived, but you have the same responsibility and capability to create some part of it, as well. In fact, it is your responsibility to do so. When asked, “who heals the healers,” the answer should always be to heal one self. Pardon self… I do not at all mean to divert to the cult of the individual so please do not take it that way. I am always African centered, focused on the collective. However, as it is so easy for givers and lovers to give too much and to be depended on too much and to lose ourselves in that mission or purpose, in what we think is boundless love and compassion, and periodically burn out, we have to understand that it is the antithesis of service to give the people a broken down, unattended, unnurtured, unloved product. You can always come as you are. You can always serve and love from whatever place you are. But is that healthy? Are you feeding the people poison? Are you able to be consistent? Are you able to be fully present? Do you perform at your best? Must you always wait until under pressure before you can perform? Are you able to stand firm in your decisions? Do you default to ego and defensiveness instead? Are you passive aggressive? Are you confident in your ability to make choices? Are you able to accept others’ needs for themselves and not take it personal? Do you project? Do you need to constantly be justified and validated? Are you able to accept criticism? Can you be wrong? Are you able to create in any and all spaces and in response to any and all situations?

Balance is best. I am not in the world, the world is in me. The universe gave me this self. I must love, care for an nuture it first and foremost. That is my first job and what the world needs of me. Without this, I cannot fully manifest my unique gifts to give back to the world in service. I must love my people enough to love myself fiercely, first. Cultivate the best me. Only then can I assist in my people cultivating their best selves. 

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